~:~I'LL BE HOME FOR X-MAS~:~
I'll be home for Christmas~
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
and presents on the tree
Christmas Eve will find me ~
Where the love light gleams ~
I'll be home for Christmas ~
If only in my dreams~
Shinny is the oldest resident of the North Pole Village. He's even older than Santa Claus. He's about three feet tall, skinny and wrinkled up as a baked apple. Shinny is as crusty as week-old bread, but despite all his huff and bluster, he has a good heart and a true devotion to Santa Claus.
Shinny is the leader of the Elves and is Santa's oldest friend. He also actually co-founded the Village with Santa Claus! Everyone pretty much ignores his crankiness because without ol' Shinny, there wouldn't be a Village and maybe not even a Santa Claus.
Just a few days before Christmas Eve,
Santa was getting ready to leave.
Old Saint Nick was feeling blue
Again his list was one to few.
For years he never said a thing
When his sled was full and he took wing
All but Santa recieved a gift
Not even a card to give him a lift.
Mrs. Clause noticed his frown
So she inquired why he was down.
He looked up and said "Forget it".
And then mumbled "I'll never get it".
Then in the Toy Shop where she cleans
She found a stack of magazines.
And with a scan she found out
What her mates mood was all about.
She told the Elves "Do something quick"!
"And make it fast it's for Saint Nick"!
All over the world they looked around,
But due to the season none were found.
Where one was hiding was a mystery
Then one elf said "Call the factory"!
So they called saying "Make it fast"!
"Paint it red and fill it with gas"!
"Ship it now marked Air Freight"
"We need it tomarrow, we can't wait"!
Then on the eve of the Christmas event
Santa prepared to make his ascent.
Mrs. Clause kicked him out of bed
And laid his clothes out all in red.
He started to leave when what did he see?
But a crate next to the Christmas Tree!
To the crate a card was attached
He wondered what his mate had hatched.
He then tore it open and what was inside?
But a Harley Davidson Electraglide!
Then under the tree were leathers in red
And a matching beret to put on his head.
He then inquired "How did you know"?
All she would say was "It's time to go".
She never revealed how she knew.
Where she found that faitfull clue.
How in the shop laying beside her
Was a magazine called Easyriders.
So if on your roof you should hear
A sound that's plainly not Reindeer,
And the season is around Yule Tide,
It's probably Santa on his Electraglide.
~T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS~
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the pad,
There was nada happenin', now thats pretty bad.
The woodstove was hung up in that stocking routine,
In hopes that the Fat Boy would soon make the scene.
With our stomachs packed with tacos and beer,
My old lady and me crashed on the couch for some cheer.
When out in the yard there arose such a racket,
I ran for the door and pulled on my jacket.
I saw a large bro' on a '56 Pan
Wearin' black leathers, a cap, and boots (cool biker, man).
He hauled up the bars on that bikeful of sacks,
And that Pan hit the roof like it was running on tracks.
I couldn't help gawking, the old guy had class.
But I had to go in -- I was freezing my ass.
Down through the stovepipe he fell with a crash,
And out of the stove he came dragging his stash.
With a smile and some glee he passed out the loot,
A new jacket for her and some parts for my scoot.
He patted her fanny and shook my right hand,
Spun on his heel and up the stovepipe he ran.
From up on the roof came a great deal of thunder,
As that massive V-twin ripped the silence asunder.
With beard in the wind, he roared off in the night,
Shouting, "Have a cool Yule, and to all a good ride!"
SANTA CHECKS IN TO REHAB
friday, December 4, 1999
Shocking revelations were made yesterday, as Santa Claus was seen checking into a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center.
At a tearful press conference yesterday, Santa Claus announced that he did, in fact, have a drinking problem. "There were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night, just to get a sip of the forbidden nectar," Claus admitted. "Sometimes I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself." Claus then broke down into tears.
Asked if there were any relations between his drinking problems and charges that have been brought up against him, Santa replied "If anything, the whole situation has intensified the problem, but..." Santa continued, "it has forced me to take a good, hard look at myself."
Dr.X believes that Santa's heartfelt admission of the problem is just a ploy to gather sympathy as the Fat One prepares to go to trial. "It's a great move, from a public relations standpoint," he says, "but I don't buy it." Dr.X points out that the timing of the admission is almost too convenient.
Santa Claus will begin a twelve-step program this afternoon at the Julia Hoffman clinic. For ticket information, please contact Dr.X.
MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR
Kelly Reeves 1999