I try to make everyone think I'm doing fine Truth is I'm walking a very fine line most of the time I want to leave it all behind I keep searching and looking for something I'll never find I look to the past to see what I did so wrong Why does my short life seem so long? I used to think I was doing okay, lately my illusions have faded away My friends are fake and so am I No one has ever seen me cry I cry a lot when I'm alone I think about things when no ones home No one thinks that I'm in pain No one sees the hurt that's making me insane Because if they saw they might know who I am So, I laugh away the hurt I laugh away the pain I laugh away the true me I laugh to cover up things I don't want to see Maybe everyones life is like this Maybe mines not that bad If that's true, then I have to ask myself, Why isn't the world so much more sad? I'll just continue to do what I do best, I'll openly laugh, and secretly cry I'll look at everyone and smile I'll look at everyone and lie

~~You know, we've been reflecting on how wonderful this group has turned out, and how much things have changed here since THC started. I'm amazed at the beauty of this group of women. Just wonderfully amazed. I think about what we're doing here - we aren't just getting superficial support on prison issues, and we're not just bitching and complaining about the system. There is a LOT of growth and love within and it's beautiful to behold! We started out as a group of women who love men in prison, and have forged a bond that goes beyond that. I cannot imagine receiving the same type of support and indepth love and nurturance that we share in SIS - it just wouldn't have been possible. And to think that it all started as a rebellion! (big grin) Love to you ALL! Thinking of each and every one of you, holding you close in my heart and in my prayers.

~Honeychild... I just wanted you to know I'm thinkin' about ya. I hope you're ok, and that your heartache will ease. Serenity is a fleeting thing, and just as life goes up and down, so does our courage, faith, and hope. I do know one thing though - that same courage, faith, and hope IS there. You have it - I've seen such shining examples of it in you so many times. Remember that, ok? YOU have it and with some help from our friends and a higher power, everything WILL work out. I heard a good one the other day.... I was talkin' to a friend just before the hurricane and I said that God never gives us more than we can handle.... and this friend said, "Yeah, but don'tcha wish sometimes... that He didn't think so highly of ya?" I loved it. I laughed....!!! ...man... Hit the nail on the damn head for me. I love ya, Kelly.... my shybaby.... You hang in there and I will too, ok? Ok. *.......deep greens sparkle with love and affection for his dear friend......* You take care, honeychild and I'll talk to ya soon! *S* Love, Rebel (LOL!)****...twinkle...****

~These short posts written by 'our' Paül Elixir~
~~Salsa Sweet~~

Feel the sizzle of a scorching summer day Combine the heat of every desert round the world Hot as the noonday sun on planet Mercury That's almost as hot as my red hot Salsa girl. I feel the spice of her kisses on my tongue I feel the heat of her body in my heart That red-hot lady sets my soul on fire I feel so cold inside when we're apart I see sparks fly whenever Salsa is around She's twice as hot as bubbling cheese That flaming heart of that Salsa girl Makes every man weak in the knees So if you see her walking down the street Don't be surprised if you start to sweat Because the lady's hotter than burning coals But inside, she's the sweetest Salsa you could get

~~Ice Princess~~

A chill wind blows through the caverns The icicles glitter like stars at night The snowdrifts shift with shuffling sighs In the silent domain the Ice Princess reigns She speaks to you from her frozen realm Her words could chill you to the bone It wasn't always this way, my friend Just since a cold man left her alone She was once as sweet as amber honey And she was as warm as she could be Perhaps one day a soft and gentle man Will once again set her cold heart free

~~Gini's Bottle~~

A magic bottle bobs gently in the surf Alone amongst the kelp and the foam What the bottle contains is no mystery A lonely Gini with a wish of her own All alone in that bottle, year after year Silent solitude is her one and only friend Released only to grant another's wish Never to get her own wishes in the end She seeks only the softest touch Of a lover's hand to set her free Unleash the bonds that hold her there In this state of sad captivity Will you open this ancient magic bottle And free the lonely Gini 's Heart today You can fill her heart with love and hope If you touch her in a gentle lover's way


The sound brings visions of mystery a simple name that haunts the soul Bexindra, Bexindra, sweet angel You're making me lose all control She must be woman of quiet intrigue She's such a mystery to everyone She's always there to help you see That you're not the only one But there is a fire deep within That will melt you right from the start Because underneath all the mystery There beats an angel's glowing heart

~~Smudge My Heart

I have to live on in this life I just hate it when we're apart I have to make it through the day With this little smudge on my heart In my ears I hear the sounds Of her soft whispering in my ear The sound that's branded on my heart Makes me want to hold her near Her laughter rings like crystal bells When she's sad it rends my soul I love it when she makes me laugh When she's near I just lose control I guess I have always known That I'd fall for her from the start She's the sunshine in my day And she's the smudge on my heart

~~Daydream Girl~~

Walking through the cottonwoods at sunset The stars twinkling in the sky up above Just the perfect place for a daydream I'm daydreaming of §herry, my love... I see a table set there under the willows Flickering candles lighting the juleps Her soft hair flowing in the breeze I can't wait to taste her two lips Soft music wafting through the trees The gentle scent of gardenia in the air And in my daydream I see this lady My lovely §herry waiting there My lovely daydream could never be As sweet as the love §herry has for me So as I wander down this lonely road I'll dream of the lady I long to see
~smiles~...Hugs and kisses, sweet angels...stay beautiful!

~If You Could Look Into My Eyes~

You hear me from so far away my words, they lose their colors in this sterile plastic world they sound like any others But if you could look into my eyes what do you think you'd see the tenderness behind my words would come pouring out of me You'd see the essence of my truth you'd know the how's and why's you'd see the love inside my heart if you could look into my eyes I know what love lives inside of me it would come shining through and if you could look into my eyes I know you would see it too But all I do is send these words like prayers sent to the skies I know you'd see what I see in you If you could just look into my eyes

~Can't Cage The Wind~

I'd never try to stop her from going where she wants and I wouldn't change the fact that she's been where she's been cause that's what made her the woman she is And I know that you can't cage the wind From the day that we met I've watched her spirit soar a desire to be free greater than I'd ever seen before she blew into my life like a soft summer breeze she filled up my arms and made me weak in the knees (chorus) She'd slip through your fingers cause you know she's gotta be free I hold her close while I can cause she's like I want myself to be I will always think of her when the wind blows through my hair and if she ever wants me she knows that I'll always be there........

~Desert Morning Echoes~

The darkness surrenders its empty life To the dim blue-gray sky of morning; Slowly blooming over the silent desert The predators sleep as the day begins. A blood red explosion grows in the east, A foreboding shape seen through the haze. Like an echo of Trinity base so long ago Reverberating across the desert floor. The distant clouds distorting the view; Bending the light into a ghastly image. A flaming mushroom of fiery death Emerges from the source of life. A terrible moment of quiet confusion, Waiting for the familiar cloud to form, And spread its fingers across the land. But the sun only rises, life's reprieve. Love you all...and thanks for your caring support... ~H&K's~ Paülo

~The Distance~

Somewhere in the heart of the darkest night my kindred spirit waits for the morning light waits for the touch of my hand on hers a touch to chase away her deepest fears We have been set apart by space and time Our hearts both longing for a love divine We wander alone, each through our day Two empty souls trying to make our way I feel her hand reaching out to touch me As I cry these lonely tears that she can't see All my dreams wrapped up inside her heart That knows kindred spirits can't be kept apart One day our eyes will meet across a crowd And though we both stand tall and proud We both will see the love that's meant to be That's brought my kindred spirit here to me And on that day when we'll finally touch Mere words that could never mean as much As the gentle touch of her hand on mine The realization of a love, divine © 1998 Paul Moore

~Holding On~

Hold your own, it's your heart No one else can hold it for you If you put it anothers hands Will they hold it like you do? We enter this world alone Alone we each shall depart On that fateful final day Who else will hold your heart? Will you leave this earthly world Going to your final rest Having nothing left to give But an empty hole within your chest? Have a beautiful day.... Paül

~The Fantasy~

What can you say when you've lived the perfect fantasy and it brought you more joy than you could have imagined A soft voice, a gentle touch, the thrill of unknown passion a perfect friendship that became the most perfect love? What can you say when that perfect fantasy becomes a dream A glorious dream of making that perfect love last forever? To feel that incredible feeling of friendship, love and desire Every day, every night, every moment to eternity and beyond? What can you say when that dream descends to a nightmare of endless days grasping in futile hopelessness of despair unable to rescue the dream, or rekindle the fantasy again Until the nightmare drags you to the very brink of madness What can you say when the nightmare has finally ended and you have drawn back from the edge of the precipice and you sit on the edge of the bed, hands shaking in fear Still trying to remember that perfect fantasy long gone? @ 1998 Paül

Sitting far behind the dunes waves crashing on rocks unseen softness of sand in my fingers roar of surf, wash me clean The ocean lives beyond my sight my eyes blinded by my heart an infinite horizon of dreams but we're forever kept apart If only I could stand again gaze out into the sea of life my legs refuse to lift me up afraid of eyes closed to sight Still I crouch down in the sand Craving to see, waiting in fear; of endless sea so close to me the sound of waves all I hear. @ 2/99 Paül Elixir

~I am Only Me~

I am only me, that is all that I can be No more, no less, don't second guess I love, I laugh, I live and cry, I've wished at times, that I could die Some days I'm funny, others I'm not, sometimes I'm in overdrive and cant stop I am a loyal and honest friend, You know that I'll be there until the end I am a father/mother, my children my greatest gift, The smiles on their faces always give me a lift I am a romantic, sensual, sexual, and passionate too, to the love of my life, I'll share this with you I can be sweet and shy or sassy and bold, I'm quite a handful, or so I've been told I am not perfect, I do have my faults, like when I get scared I put up high walls Or I'm not as forgiving, as I'd sometimes like to be, because when I hurt, I hurt deeply My logic is all my own, at times misunderstood, because I don't always do things for my own good I have many facets, like a diamond you see, I am only me, and that's all I can be.

~A Credo For My Relationships
You and I are in a relationship that I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with his own unique needs and the right to try and meet those needs. I will try to be genuinely accepting of your behavior when you are trying to meet your needs or when you are having problems meeting your needs. When you share your problems, I will try to listen acceptingly and understandingly in a way that will facilitate your finding you own solutions rather than depending upon mine. When you have a problem because my behavior is interfering with your meeting your needs, I encourage you to tell me openly and honestly how you are feeling. At those times, I will listen and then try to modify my behavior, if I can. However, when your behavior interferes with my meeting my own needs, thus causing me to feel unaccepting of you, I will share my problem with you and tell you as openly and honestly as I can exactly how I am feeling, trusting that you respect my needs enough to listen and then try to modify your behavior. At those times when either of us cannot modify his behavior to meet the needs of the other and find that we have a conflict-of-needs in our relationship, let us commit ourselves to resolve each such conflict without ever resorting to the use of either my power or yours to win at the expense of the other losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. Consequently, let us strive always to search for solutions to our inevitable conflicts that will be acceptable to both of us. In this way, your needs will be met, but so will mine--no one will lose, both will win.~

So its one more gloomy Sunday And it's another night without the phone As I sit here by myself and wish that you were home Never knew it would be so lonely Never knew that time could hang this way Just wishing I could hear your voice Dreaming of what you'd say; The rain is on the window Tears are on my cheeks One more gloomy sunday One more endless week As my heart beats in time with yours And I whisper aloud your name One more bloody Sunday And everthings the same Hell they say's for heroes So it's to hell you've gone Leaving me to persevere And like a soldier carry on Just another battle in the war I call my life The moment I took your hand and became your wife But I don't regret it, You're a man above the rest Filled with something called courage Never content to rest Giving as good as you get now Never giving in For us this can only be a battle That we'll have to win So the phone is ringing softly I pick it up and hear your voice A chill is running up my spine My heart and soul rejoice I breathe those words across the miles As I hold your heart in my embrace Never cared about the hardship Nor the details of your case So don't you worry honey In the real world I have to be But we have carved our own kingdom From what they call 'realitity'. Somehow we'll go the distace We've got a big headstart As together we share our souls Holding hands and holding hearts D.A.H. 1999 ***********************************************
We Are Not Widows We are not widows, yet we grieve. We are not single yet we are so alone. We ante up our years knowing full well the cards are stacked against us. We wonder if the man we wait for will ever come home. We imagine ourselves still young. We ignore the signs of undue worry and stress in the mirror. We wait for reunion, like the fountain of youth, to restore our love and our lives.
Becky Pena Early 1998 Jerry's release date: 2010

Why Mothers Cry ....
"Why are you crying?" he asked his mom. "Because I'm a mother," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His mom just hugged him and said, "You never will!" Later the little boy asked his father why Mother seemed to cry for no reason. "All mothers cry for no reason," was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why mothers cry. So he finally put in a call to God and when God got on the phone the man said, "God, why do mothers cry so easily." God said, "You see son, when I made mothers they had to be special. I made their shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave them an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times come from their children. "I gave them a hardiness that allows them to keep going when everyone else gives up, and to take care of their families through sickness and fatigue without complaining. "I gave them the sensitivity to love their children under all circumstances, even when their child has hurt them very badly. This same sensitivity helps them to make a child's boo-boo feel better and helps them share a teenager's anxieties and fears. "I gave them a tear to shed. It's theirs exclusively to use whenever it's needed. It's their only weakness. It's a tear for mankind."

In the dead of the night I rose from sleep I felt you so close in the dark Alone in a place full of memories Your absence has left it's mark But I know that I've only to reach out And invite you into my head Oh it works, I'm still here, but it gets to me I'd rather hold you in bed Beware the Ides of March they tell me A time of turbulance and pain Buffeted by the unknown, Poured down on by rain And the walls are barbed wire between us The doors are locked without key But I'll never give up or give in I'll fight this fight til you're free A place of the same old madness Every damn day the same as the rest Never acknowledging or seeing Whether you're the worst or the best But you're stronger than they are You've turned to stainless steel In a place that some call hell You're making your dreams real I mope in the hours of darkness When sometimes sleep won't come Never knew silence to be so endless Will we ever see the sun? But I rush out onto the front porch And Orion twinkles overhead I whisper 'Will this ever be over? The voice whispers 'Go to bed." Beware the Ides of March in the evening Or in the dark of night When things just seem so hopeless And it seems a futile fight But I have your soul in my keeping And your soul's my protector guide Telling me 'Go on, don't be afraid You've never needed to hide.' "Do you know the answers?" I ask Antares Brightest star in the winter sky "You know the truth inside yourself' Comes the quiet reply Awash in the hopes of a life together I lay down and close my eyes My heavy heart now light as a feather As I slip into immortal guise Don't let the Ides of March fool you You can be stronger than you know Never let them beat you, Never let the fear show Even in the moments you wonder Why you're standing here Remember the strength of your love And it'll come crystal clear.                                                         MARCH '99 D.A.H.
"I Got Flowers Today"
I got flowers today. It wasn't my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night, And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.   It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry, because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.